Today's coffee culture
has an incredibly sophisticated vocabulary. Do you want a cappuccino, an
espresso, a skinny latte, or maybe an iced caramel macchiato?
Eros involved a loss of
control that frightened the Greeks.
The ancient Greeks were
just as sophisticated in the way they talked about love, recognizing six
different varieties. They would have been shocked by our crudeness in using a
single word both to whisper "l love you" over a candlelit meal and to
casually sign an email "lots of love."
So what were the six
loves known to the Greeks? And how can they inspire us to move beyond our
current addiction to romantic love, which has 94 percent of young people
hoping—but often failing—to find a unique soul mate who can satisfy all their
emotional needs?
1. Eros, or sexual
passion
The first kind of love
was eros, named after the Greek god of fertility, and it represented the idea
of sexual passion and desire. But the Greeks didn't always think of it as
something positive, as we tend to do today. In fact, eros was viewed as a
dangerous, fiery, and irrational form of love that could take hold of you and
possess you—an attitude shared by many later spiritual thinkers, such as the
Christian writer C.S. Lewis.
Eros involved a loss of
control that frightened the Greeks. Which is odd, because losing control is
precisely what many people now seek in a relationship. Don't we all hope to
fall "madly" in love?
2. Philia, or deep
friendship
The second variety of
love was philia or friendship, which the Greeks valued far more than the base
sexuality of eros. Philia concerned the deep comradely friendship that
developed between brothers in arms who had fought side by side on the
battlefield. It was about showing loyalty to your friends, sacrificing for
them, as well as sharing your emotions with them. (Another kind of philia,
sometimes called storge, embodied the love between parents and their children.)
We can all ask
ourselves how much of this comradely philia we have in our lives. It's an
important question in an age when we attempt to amass "friends" on
Facebook or "followers" on Twitter—achievements that would have
hardly impressed the Greeks.
3. Ludus, or playful
love
This was the Greeks'
idea of playful love, which referred to the affection between children or young
lovers. We've all had a taste of it in the flirting and teasing in the early
stages of a relationship. But we also live out our ludus when we sit around in
a bar bantering and laughing with friends, or when we go out dancing.
Dancing with strangers
may be the ultimate ludic activity, almost a playful substitute for sex itself.
Social norms may frown on this kind of adult frivolity, but a little more ludus
might be just what we need to spice up our love lives.
4. Agape, or love for
everyone
The fourth love, and
perhaps the most radical, was agape or selfless love. This was a love that you
extended to all people, whether family members or distant strangers. Agape was
later translated into Latin as caritas, which is the origin of our word
"charity."
C.S. Lewis referred to
it as "gift love," the highest form of Christian love. But it also
appears in other religious traditions, such as the idea of mettā or
"universal loving kindness" in Theravāda Buddhism.
There is growing
evidence that agape is in a dangerous decline in many countries. Empathy levels
in the U.S. have declined sharply over the past 40 years, with the steepest
fall occurring in the past decade. We urgently need to revive our capacity to
care about strangers.
5. Pragma, or
longstanding love
Another Greek love was
the mature love known as pragma. This was the deep understanding that developed
between long-married couples.
Pragma was about making
compromises to help the relationship work over time, and showing patience and
tolerance.
The psychoanalyst Erich
Fromm said that we expend too much energy on "falling in love" and
need to learn more how to "stand in love." Pragma is precisely about
standing in love—making an effort to give love rather than just receive it.
With about a third of first marriages in the U.S. ending through divorce or
separation in the first 10 years, the Greeks would surely think we should bring
a serious dose of pragma into our relationships.
6. Philautia, or love
of the self
The Greek's sixth
variety of love was philautia or self-love. And the clever Greeks realized
there were two types. One was an unhealthy variety associated with narcissism,
where you became self-obsessed and focused on personal fame and fortune. A healthier
version enhanced your wider capacity to love.
How Should We Live by
Roman Krznaric.
This article is based
on the author's new book, How Should We Live? Great Ideas from the Past for
Everyday Life.
The idea was that if
you like yourself and feel secure in yourself, you will have plenty of love to
give others (as is reflected in the Buddhist-inspired concept of
"self-compassion"). Or, as Aristotle put it, "All friendly
feelings for others are an extension of a man's feelings for himself."
The ancient Greeks
found diverse kinds of love in relationships with a wide range of
people—friends, family, spouses, strangers, and even themselves. This contrasts
with our typical focus on a single romantic relationship, where we hope to find
all the different loves wrapped into a single person or soul mate. The message
from the Greeks is to nurture the varieties of love and tap into its many
sources. Don't just seek eros, but cultivate philia by spending more time with
old friends, or develop ludus by dancing the night away.
Moreover, we should
abandon our obsession with perfection. Don't expect your partner to offer you
all the varieties of love, all of the time (with the danger that you may toss
aside a partner who fails to live up to your desires). Recognize that a
relationship may begin with plenty of eros and ludus, then evolve toward
embodying more pragma or agape.
The diverse Greek
system of loves can also provide consolation. By mapping out the extent to
which all six loves are present in your life, you might discover you've got a
lot more love than you had ever imagined—even if you feel an absence of a
physical lover.
It's time we introduced
the six varieties of Greek love into our everyday way of speaking and thinking.
If the art of coffee deserves its own sophisticated vocabulary, then why not
the art of love?
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