
"What is
love" was the most searched phrase on Google in 2012, according to the
company. In an attempt to get to the bottom of the question once and for all,
the Guardian has gathered writers from the fields of science, psychotherapy,
literature, religion and philosophy to give their definition of the
much-pondered word.
Biologically, love is a
powerful neurological condition like hunger or thirst, only more permanent. We
talk about love being blind or unconditional, in the sense that we have no
control over it. But then, that is not so surprising since love is basically
chemistry. While lust is a temporary passionate sexual desire involving the
increased release of chemicals such as testosterone and estrogen, in true love,
or attachment and bonding, the brain can release a whole set of chemicals:
pheromones, dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin, oxytocin and vasopressin. However,
from an evolutionary perspective, love can be viewed as a survival tool – a
mechanism we have evolved to promote long-term relationships, mutual defense
and parental support of children and to promote feelings of safety and
security.
Unlike us, the ancients
did not lump all the various emotions that we label "love" under the
one word. They had several variations, including:
Philia which they saw
as a deep but usually non-sexual intimacy between close friends and family
members or as a deep bond forged by soldiers as they fought alongside each
other in battle. Ludus describes a more playful affection found in fooling
around or flirting. Pragma is the mature love that develops over a long period
of time between long-term couples and involves actively practicing goodwill,
commitment, compromise and understanding. Agape is a more generalized love;
it's not about exclusivity but about love for all of humanity. Philautia is self-love,
which isn't as selfish as it sounds. As Aristotle discovered and as any psychotherapist
will tell you, in order to care for others you need to be able to care about
yourself. Last, and probably least even though it causes the most trouble, eros
is about sexual passion and desire. Unless it morphs into philia and/or pragma,
eros will burn itself out.
Love is all of the
above. But is it possibly unrealistic to expect to experience all six types
with only one person. This is why family and community are important.
The answer remains
elusive in part because love is not one thing. Love for parents, partners,
children, country, neighbor, God and so on all have different qualities. Each
has its variants – blind, one-sided, tragic, steadfast, fickle, reciprocated,
misguided, and unconditional. At its best, however, all love is a kind a
passionate commitment that we nurture and develop, even though it usually
arrives in our lives unbidden. That's why it is more than just a powerful
feeling. Without the commitment, it is mere infatuation. Without the passion,
it is mere dedication. Without nurturing, even the best can wither and die.
What love is depends on
where you are in relation to it. Secure in it, it can feel as mundane and
necessary as air – you exist within it, almost unnoticing. Deprived of it, it
can feel like an obsession; all consuming, a physical pain. Love is the driver
for all great stories: not just romantic love, but the love of parent for
child, for family, for country. It is the point before consummation of it that
fascinates: what separates you from love, the obstacles that stand in its way.
It is usually at those points that love is everything.
Love is more easily
experienced than defined. As a theological virtue, by which we love God above
all things and our neighbors as ourselves for his sake, it seems remote until
we encounter it enfleshed, so to say, in the life of another – in acts of
kindness, generosity and self-sacrifice. Love's the one thing that can never
hurt anyone, although it may cost dearly. The paradox of love is that it is
supremely free yet attaches us with bonds stronger than death. It cannot be
bought or sold; there is nothing it cannot face; love is life's greatest
blessing.
Jim Al-Khalili,
Philippa Perry, Julian Baggini, Jojo Moyes and Catherine Wybourne
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